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Deep within the bowels – appropriately enough – of Government House there exists a hotline phone.
It used to be red, white and blue with a nice yellow cord. These days it’s decked out in khaki and is monogrammed with the initials P.O., letters that also appear on an elaborate “chair” for the comfort of the phone user.
It was used earlier this week for a call from a man known universally as Uncle Too (translated as ‘yer mother’s brother who grabbed something that wasn’t his’). He was calling a certain DPM….
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring….
“Hello Big Nut? Uncle here, my goodness that took you a long time to answer. Hope you weren’t otherwise engaged talking behind my back.
“Uncle, my Lord. How delightful to hear from you. Always a respectful pleasure. Diss you my Lord? Absolutely not! The delay in picking up was because I was “graaping” the phone as a matter of fact in advance of this most welcome chat. Need some help with the 6,000 baht fine, sir!?”
“Less of the one liners, Big Nut. Remember that the PM is akin to God and a health minister doesn’t want to be just another senator to make up the numbers”.
“Even a vital political supporter such as moi, my Lord?
“Erm, look here AC. I’ve got a couple of pressing matters.”
“Time to steamroller the opposition again?, sir”.
“No, our friends in the courts are managing that just fine. About the 6,000 baht, it all worked out a treat. Brother Aswin played his part and now I look like one of the people again. ‘er indoors had some spare cash from the daughters’ defamation fund so there was no need for an expenses form.
“Three cheers for General Aswin, eh sir; let’s arrange to give him a couple of extra parks. Something pressing, you said?”
“Yes, Vlad over in Moscow has been in touch with some Sputnik stuff. I told him we’ve got our own spaceships circling Mars as we speak but he mentioned vaccines, first I’ve heard of it. This got me thinking and Vlad told me all about him and a chap called Navalny and how that worked out so well.
“The upshot is I’ve decided to become a Covid Czar. Vlad said be careful if anyone tries to take me in the woods with the missus and the twins. Consequently I’m taking you off the Covid Caper.
“It had to happen, my Lord. Frankly, I’m glad. All those dirty farang without masks one has to deal with, making me quite queasy it was.
“Yes, well I’m sure you’re busy with all the ganja stuff. How’s it coming along?”
“Absolutely, spliffing if you’ll pardon the pun, my Lord. No one or no thing is getting remotely high except me and the wife’s “joint account”. I’ve started calling her Maryjane you know!”
“Weed better pass over that”.
“Very good my Lord! PPE – Prayut Puns Exceptionally! Yes all this economic growth is tremendous and will certainly benefit the coffers.
“The coppers? Surely they should wait in line, I must have a work with old specsaver Big Pat at Pathumwan”.
“COFFERS, sir, the state coffers. Such a bad line,sire. Get that spokeswoman “Totalitarian Totty” to have a word with the phone people”.
“Will do. Anyway that pesky mask business means I’d better get a few extra. Do you have any in stock?
“By all means, your elevatedness. Usual deal, 10,000 baht for a box of ten?”
“So long as they’re monogrammed and scented with “Extract of People’s Happiness”, my favorite fragrance”.
“Let it be done, my Lord”.
“Now, we’ve got the inconvenience of all this vaccine rollout nonsense. We’ve had our jabs so I was wondering what all the fuss was about?”
“The Krystal Club boys are getting agitated, sir, think we need to get the proles vaxxed as we say at the MoPH”.
“You leave muff out of this AC and get your finger out. And while you’re at it better get the foreigners jabbed or the Chinese will never come back”.
“Right you are, my omnipresence. I’ll get Pippy at tourism and sports to round up a few wearing Singha singlets in Pattaya”.
“Good thinking AC. Failing that, ask Big Oud at the IB. I understand he knows where they live and he’s got a few Beemers that are so special I’m sure they could act as field hospitals if push came to shove. Which reminds me…..Big Joke.
“Hit me sir. Is it the one about ‘What’s faster, The Thai vaccine rollout or the Chinese train to the Eastern Seaboard?’ or that brilliant list of the ‘twelve best things about Anutin from the completely unconnected Bhumjaithai party?’”
“No, not that kind of joke, that annoying Lt-Gen in the holey Lexus. Now you’ve got some freetime keep an eye on him for me. I’d ask Big Pom but he took umbrage when I said to maintain a detailed 24-hour watch”.
“Some people have no sense of humor my Lord and rest assured, they’ll be no backstabbing from me. That knife you found in my desk was used for cutting up a bit of Papaya Pok Pok as my foreign friends say!”
“You have foreign friends?”
“Only joking, my Lord. Cheerio!”
Ministerial phone calls notwithstanding, it was another busy week of news on Thaivisa as virus cases mostly exceeded 2,000 plus and upwards of ten deaths were recorded daily.
Thailand did it’s best to stop Indians coming by ending the issuance of the Certificate of Entry in New Delhi.
The authorities were at pains to point out that Indian millionaires were not chartering planes in droves to come and get married in Thailand and we were safe from the Indian Strain for now. Even if 98% of cases were blamed on the UK strain.
Whatever, Phuket is apparently opening up July 1st as planned. Pipat’s red carpet is ordered even if the maid is trying to get rid of the smell of mothballs.
Good news, it appeared, came for migrants and expats in Thailand who should be vaxxed for free starting July or August. What with easing of some immigration requirements and an ever improving pound it could soon be time for even Brits to break into a smile.
Smiling in a very Schadenfreudian way were many on the forum when a 59 year old German retiree and his lady boy friend got arrested in QUOTES with enough “ice” to keep them busy on rice gruel for a decade or two.
The idiotic war on drugs is alive and kicking wildly in Thailand but for people dealing in crystal meth there can be little sympathy.
Bangkok and several other provinces were named as Deep Red zones meaning even more draconian restrictions.
Rooster complied faithfully along with most everyone else in the capital though it was amusing to see the hordes scrambling for chicken feet in a decidedly un-socially-distanced Makro.
I’d entered the store moments earlier though no one noticed that the screen was flashing with 37.6C. I’ve always considered myself hot but this was ridiculous. I sidestepped to the ATM to check what little money I had left then proceeded.
Prayut’s fine for not wearing a mask, the only one in Bangkok we were told, was compared to a dozen others issued elsewhere. One police chief said two miscreants in Ayutthaya should not have been fined 500 baht and they were promptly relieved of their fine and sent to court to pay more!
Koh Samet – a place Rooster has visited more than 40 times in what seems like a past life – was shut for two weeks and Koh Chang looked to be heading that way.
After, surprise surprise, the virus was brought to hotel staff from Songkran tourists.
Posters on the forum were in good form on the Covid Czar story. One went with “Arise Sir Czar – may the farce be with you!”. Many clicked ‘like’ on “Anyone who plays console or PC games will recognise this as god mode”, while others went with “Cool, now we know who we can blame” and “King Canute he is not”.
Yes, it’s not just Rooster that likes a sarky dig though I was obliged to take some flak last week for wanting to see covid deniers and misinformation spreaders prosecuted.
Rooster was slammed as a denier of free speech, an idiot, a moron, Joe Stalin and compared to Goebbels.
And they were just the nice ones. I stick by everything I said but I did take exception at being repeatedly called a “sheep”.
I’m a cock and one that crows, I’ll clue ya and besides, to further quote a departed columnist of yore, I don’t give a hoot.
Finally, in what fully deserved the addition of the “Amazing Thailand” tag, an army recruit who robbed a gold shop in Pantip Plaza, Bangkok, was taken on a reenactment.
Wearing a full white hazmat suit, shield, mask and handcuffs.
Hapless Worathon, 21, told the cops he didn’t have the bus fare to return to base so he robbed the shop of a million baht in jewelry before entrusting his uncle, who had raised him since childhood, with most of the loot.
From the sale of one necklace he got enough to return to his hometown in Loei not by bus but in some considerable style before his inevitable arrest.
He did the 600 km trip in a taxi.